Baseball people

Perhaps one of the best things about baseball is that it is a social sport that is so relaxed that you get to appriciate (or rue) the people who are watching it. I had the best time looking for people to take pictures of. I think the hilight is the last one. It made my evening to capture it.

The Game

The People

Wrestling

All this past week I have been wrestling with God over the idea of identity. To give him my identity is to surrender my will. It has been one of the hardest spiritual battles in my life. I think this is because I am now very conscious of the fact that there are indeed two natures in me. They were both wanting their way. The old one demands to be in control and make sure I receive what I consider my rights. The New nature demands that God give his gifts to me--according to his good pleasure, not my own.

The hardest spot was yesterday walking the dog. I had gradually become more irritated with anything that crossed my will, and the dog certainly had its own mind for the walk. I realized that it would not bother me if I just dropped my agenda and enjoyed the time out. I wondered if that was what it was like with God's direction in life. If we dropped our own agendas and let Him direct (yes we can ask what his voice is like and how to discern it, but really I think that when I am asking that I am really just buying time before I have to surrender.)

Anyway, the goal of letting go of my desires became an impossible task. I finally realized that I was trying way to hard, and that must be one main reason why Christ has to bear our cross and why we must identify with him. It is too heavy, but as long as we go to the cross and accept that he bore it, I am thinking that that is what we are supposed to be doing (at least in part).

Just a little bit ago, about half an hour, for the first time I found myself in a very refreshing peace. This coincided with the feeling of letting go (once again) of Scotland and my longing for it. For a moment I caught a glimpse of surrender and it is the most peaceful place of consciousness I think exists. All the sudden I am not in charge of the good gifts I receive and can better engage in life right now because I am not having to manipulate my consciousness.

The Gardens of Providence

Doesn't that have a catchy ring? When I frist began to work here I wondered where the gardens were.... Now I understand that they are every where, it is up to your artistic eye to see them! Here are some pictures from my new camera: my first camera! (I don't count the crapy cameras...)

Practicum

For thy maker is thy husband: the Lord of Hosts is his name;

and thy redeemer, the holy one of Isreal;

The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

For the Lord hath called thee as a woman

Forsaken and grieved in spirit,

And a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, sayeth thy God.

After all that I have been learning, now God turns to me and says "Here, I will give you a chance to apply it." Adam turns to Eve and says "You are beautiful, but I am just fine without you."

Theory is always the easy part: to understand that God is to be our centre, that pain brings us closer to him, and that we are to wait in hope for his goodness to come through. These are delights to understand, and the mind can search into them until it is convinced it is true. However, to actually apply these truths is entirely different.

Theorem:

" The curse for Eve and all her daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if that were true every single woman without children gets to escape the curse. The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heart ache) with the urge to control (especially her man), and with the dominance of men... Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational--aren’t they connected to someone?"

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even. He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted after the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul... that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So god has to thwart her. In love, her has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue."

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;

she will look for them but not find them.

Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,

for then I was better off than now.'

Jesus has to thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise we would never fully turn to him for our rescue."

[quoted from Captivating]


How about the practicum?

O, Well for him who breaks his dream

With blow that ends his strife

And waking knows, the peace that flows

Around the pain of life!
----MacDonald Phantasties

It is certainly true that I am turning to Him for my rescue. I still am wondering how much and how personal his love for me is. But the possibility that his love is that personal and that real is what I am standing on right now. That there is a rock to stand on that is never moved. That there is a love that abounds infinitely and personally. And that there is a reality that is realer than any human love...
Even that possibility is well worth this pain. I refuse to wallow. I refuse to become bitter. I have tasted divine love this summer and there is too much life in one ounce of it than 100 pounds of self pity. I will be grateful to my God and his goodness, and I will learn through all this who He is, and Who I am because of His love.

Do not abandon yourself to sorrow,

Do not torment your self with brooding

Gladness of heart is life to a man

Joy is what brings him length of days.

Beguile your cares, console your heart,

Chase sorrow far away;

For Sorrow has been the ruin of many

And it is no use to
anybody.

A song of loves

My heart is inditing a good matter:
I speak of the things which I have made touching the King
My tongue is the pen of a skilful writer

I
Thou art fairer than children of Men
Grace is poured onto thy lips
Therefore God has blessed thee forever
Gird thy sword upon thy thigh
Oh Most Mighty
In your glory and your majesty!

And in thy majesty ride forth in victory
For the cause of truth and meekness and righteousness;
And thy right hand shall teach thee dread deeds!

Thine arrows are sharp
In the heart of the Kings enemies;
Whereby the people fall under thee.

Thy throne, O God, is for Ever, and ever
The sceptre of thy Kingdom is a right sceptre:
You love righteousness and hate wickedness.
Therefore God, thy God, has anointed you
With oil of gladness above thy fellows
Your robes smell of myrrh, aloe and cassia
Out of Ivory palaces stringed instruments make you glad
Kings daughters are your Ladies of honour;
And at your right hand did stand the Queen in gold of Ophir.


II
Hearken, O Daughter, and consider: incline your ear
Forget your people and your father’s house;
So shall the King greatly desire thy beauty:
For He is thy Lord, worship thou Him.
And the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift
Even the rich shall intreat thy favour.

The Princess is glorious within
Her clothing is of wrought gold.
In colours and needle work she is brought to the King
With virgins as companions, she is brought to thee.
With gladness and rejoicing shall they be brought:
They shall enter into the Kings palace.
Instead of thy fathers shall be thy sons;
Princes thou mayest make of all the earth

I will make thy name to be rememberd in all the earth
Therefore shall the people praise thee forever and ever.

Psalm 45
KJV/RSV

Hang on a second...

Dear everyone who reads this, I have a question:


“You’ve probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we’ve tried to fill it with everything else to our utter dismay) But what the old poet [George MacDonald] was saying was that there is also in God’s heart a place that you along can fill.

'It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual.'

You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you."

From Captivating

Is this true??? Is this possible???

Now I get it....

No, I have not solved any master problems. I am not expecting to until I am over 40 (Life begins at 40). But I have found a little light regarding all these questions that I have been asking about women. Amazing how much progress one can make asking questions (... maybe the progress is made by listening to the answers...)

One of the last conversations I had with the Benders was about marriage and what it means to be married, and what it is trying to accomplish. They gave me lots of food for thought, and one of them is relevant. Dave said “To be completed in marriage is different than being fulfilled.” I had never separated these in my mind, so I had to think about this. It may sound like a simple little thing we can all agree with, but it is giving the key to marriage being either an image or an idol.

Mr Paul knew what he was saying when he was telling us that it is better to be single. Many of us think he was out of his wits, or maybe he just never felt as much desire to the opposite sex as some of us. I see now this is beside the point. In fact, I wonder if monks and nuns aren't the horniest people because only the love of an infinite God will suffice. Marriage seems to be about God, not about two people making love and starting a family, though these things do take place are good. In fact, life seems to be more and more about God and not about living. (because, if you do the math, God is life.)

But here is the thing that Paul is telling us. Marriage does not fulfil. At best it is a picture, a metaphor, of God. If one is looking for fulfilment, don’t marry. Find God, and as Lewis says, you will need men less and love them more.

And all this time I have been running to guys to try and help me gain some substance to my being. But I am realising what I am looking for no man can actually give me. Why not? Because they are guys. They have no idea what it means to be a woman. They don’t have a clue what the answer to “Who am I?” is. But that is not a bad thing. It is a poor thing that I have been asking the wrong people all this time.

Who do I ask then? If I say “God” then there is a vague feeling of “Oh no. Not that answer again.” Is “Christ” any better? Jesus is a human, but he is a male... Can he actually restore my feminine identity?

Well, as I was trimming the hedge, I figured something. According to Eldridge in Captivating, one of the three things a woman is longs for is beauty. I think they are right, and I am looking into whether all longing is a longing for beauty. I know that David says “One thing I have desired, and that I will seek...” What One thing about God is there to find? His beauty. [bunny trail.]
So if that is one of the things that needs to be restored I think that what Peter was telling us all begins to make more sense rather than provoke offence. That passage about beauty coming from inside. No braids or earrings.. But isn’t outward appearance something, just as creation is something? This is again beside the point. Christ is the source of grace and truth, and maybe that is what makes a person beautiful. If there is any desire to be beautiful there is only one authentic source. Peter is telling us something very important, he is trying to give women an answer to one of our deepest insecurities.

One other thing which seems funny to me. The people who are ready for marriage then are not the two people who feel that they can not live without eachother. Marriage is for the two people who do not feel that pressing need to marry because they have a source of love which fulfils. Their love is not indifferent towards each other, as my mind suspects, but they are the more romantic because they do not have to control the other with image and presumption to use them to fulfil themselves. They have their substance and are therefore free to love the other.

George sums it up very nicely:

“Happy is the rare fate of the true. To wake and come forth and meet in the majesty of the truth, in the image of God, in their very being, in the power of that love which alone is being.”
What’s Mine’s Mine

A product of longing

On Saturday I had a very odd feeling. I have not felt it before. It was somewhere between boredom (I am never bored...) and missing my friends. All I wanted to do was be with people I knew and loved, but this was impossible. I suppose all longing in the end is for God, but this I think is the sort which is for God as he is known in this finite world through humans.

I went on a walk from nowhere in particular, going nowhere in particular. As I walked I was thinking about what to do when I got home. I decided that I really wanted my mind filled with beauty. I wonder if that is what all longing is for? My favorite tears are the ones which weep for beauty. I wonder if God will wipe those away as well?

As I thought about beauty, I realized that I had not done much art for a while. I have done some cards, but nothing just because I wanted to create something beautiful. I think that that is why my taste in art is so basic: I always go for the traditional [western] concept of what is lovely.

Anyway, I realized that I had the potential on my computer to make a little movie, so that is what I did. I got out my old photos of Costa Rica and I made a little slide show which gives a glimpse of what it was like to be in Costa Rica for those four years.

However I am not able to post it here. So here is a link,

http://lifetheuniverseandeverything.info/SmithCollage

enjoy! :)

A. Small, Mass of Confusion

“Every woman I’ve ever met feels it--something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough, But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. “

I feel that this is a perfect little synopsis of what I feel is wrong with women. It is from the book “Captivating” by the same authors who wrote “Wild at Heart”. The introduction begins:

" Now we are on holy ground.
Writing a book for men (Wild at Heart) was a fairly straightforward proposition. Not that men are simpletons. But they are the less complicated of the two genders trying to navigate love and life together. Both men and women know this to be true. The mystery of the feminine heart was meant to be a good thing, by the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a sense of shame. they feel that they are “too much” and “not what they should be”.

I have avoided this book fearing that it will be another “popular Christian” book which feels more like pornography than real food for my mind. Like Thomas Kinkade. So I pick it up as a last sort of desperate attempt to try and find some answers to what feels like chaos inside of me trying to understand what it wrong.
However I am surprised, and pleasantly so, to find that the book not only moves me very deeply, but also provides my mind with good food to help solve this riddle.

Whole and part

" Because the whole is in some way reflected in the parts, it is to be encouraged by going into the parts and not standing back form them."

Nudity in art?

“To desire the desiring of her beauty is the vanity of Lilith, but to desire the enjoyment of her beauty is the obedience of Eve, and in both it is in the lover that the beloved tastes of her own delightfulness"



Well I have had a good time in the states. There is a lot to blog about, but I will not choose to talk about that. I want to write about independence day, but I have nothing too profound to say so I think I will wait a few more years.

I was asked a very provoking question by my friend. She was wondering if anyone else would be disturbed if their boyfriend’s favourite movie was one with lots of erotic sex scene (... as opposed to the ones with the non erotic sex...) While I do not have a boyfriend who loves watching sex, I can imagine that I am the jealous and suspicious type who would not be very comfortable in fact I could let it make me go insane.

I am the type of person who likes to talk to think much of the time. ...Perhaps that is why I talk so much. (not in comparison to you, of course, Diana.) (that was not supposed to be a slam: just reassuring her that she should not think I have changed so that she expects me to her equal gas partner next time we are together...)
I was talking to Juanita about the whole thing and I have come to consider some thoughts after discussing the issue of enjoying sex scenes. I have always considered nudity in art to be at least uncomfortable if not wrong. But I was thinking about it and it seems to me that if I am honest that I think the naked feminine body is magnificent. It would be not so good if I was ashamed of myself, or if I thought some work of God’s to be embarrassing. My thoughts on sex are the same: it would be wrong to be ashamed of it.

I am pretty sure that everyone would agree on these points thus far. Now we get into the grey area, or as I like to think of it, the coloured area which is not so black and white. Here are the questions that I am now wondering:

Is the beauty of the feminine body apologetics enough to make it a public art? Or is it, like sex, reserved for only a select audience? What happened at the fall that it should have to be covered?

Assuming that there is room that the naked body could be in art, when does it cease to be art and become pornography? Is it in the viewer? Or in the artist’s intention? Or both? (or is this another b/w question? “Ambiguity.” Mr Bradshaw would be telling me...)

Is nudity always erotic? Assuming that the answer is affirmative, what should we think about a doctor examining our spouse?

Just because I love and appreciate this body and the gift of sex, does that make it up for public domain? Or are these two things fundamentally different in nature?

I do not know the answer to my friends question. The only thing I can come to see is that it is wrong to be ashamed of Eros, but that does not necessarily give it license to become a casual thing. Maybe the whole thing is a big mess due to our uncanny ability to make an image an idol and worship self...