Wrestling

All this past week I have been wrestling with God over the idea of identity. To give him my identity is to surrender my will. It has been one of the hardest spiritual battles in my life. I think this is because I am now very conscious of the fact that there are indeed two natures in me. They were both wanting their way. The old one demands to be in control and make sure I receive what I consider my rights. The New nature demands that God give his gifts to me--according to his good pleasure, not my own.

The hardest spot was yesterday walking the dog. I had gradually become more irritated with anything that crossed my will, and the dog certainly had its own mind for the walk. I realized that it would not bother me if I just dropped my agenda and enjoyed the time out. I wondered if that was what it was like with God's direction in life. If we dropped our own agendas and let Him direct (yes we can ask what his voice is like and how to discern it, but really I think that when I am asking that I am really just buying time before I have to surrender.)

Anyway, the goal of letting go of my desires became an impossible task. I finally realized that I was trying way to hard, and that must be one main reason why Christ has to bear our cross and why we must identify with him. It is too heavy, but as long as we go to the cross and accept that he bore it, I am thinking that that is what we are supposed to be doing (at least in part).

Just a little bit ago, about half an hour, for the first time I found myself in a very refreshing peace. This coincided with the feeling of letting go (once again) of Scotland and my longing for it. For a moment I caught a glimpse of surrender and it is the most peaceful place of consciousness I think exists. All the sudden I am not in charge of the good gifts I receive and can better engage in life right now because I am not having to manipulate my consciousness.