Good morning my little peefers! It's Time to get up!

MacDonald's answer to my question

Loving or being loved?

I knew now, that it is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another; yea, that, where two love, it is the loving of each other, and not the being beloved by each other, that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness. I knew that love gives to him that loveth, power over any soul beloved, even if that soul know him not, bringing him inwardly close to that spirit; a power that cannot be but for good; for in proportion as selfishness intrudes, the love ceases, and the power that springs therefrom dies. Yet all love will, one day, meet with its return. All true love will, one day, behold its own image in the eyes of the beloved, and be humbly glad.

- Phantastes

The Nature of Love

Following my thoughts over the past few days about my future I have now narrowed down my thoughts to one question. What is the nature of fulfilling love on this earth? I have presumed the answer is to have whatever it is that ones loves. And eventually, when I understand what I am feeling, I shall probably find the categories of love, desire and need helpful. But fo now, they are all mixed.


I have now become sceptical of my presumptions about the nature of love on this earth. The idea that the greatest fulfilment of love is to have whatever one loves. For example, if it is a woman, mary her. That certainly seems to kill love in many marriages. But it does not satisfy.
As applied to me right now, I have many loves of life. I love teaching, dancing, studying, travelling etc. I love many life carriers: missions, dancing, education, music, language, TESOL etc. But on this earth I am very limited. I can not possibly fulfil my love by doing them all. Thus I have become a sceptic of this presumption. I begin my search with the hope that there is a better way to love and the first clue I have is

“Greater love hath no man than this: that he lay down his life for a friend”.

There is a precept on love claiming that the greatest love is expressed in giving not taking. Perhaps there a difference between finite life and infinite. Infinite love? That no doubt would fill. But nothing that is finite will fill what is infinite. You can not fill your longing for love with a cheese cake.

So there are finite loves. Food, shelter, clothes.
But there are also infinite. Truth, love, perfection. (not sure about these categories.)

Is it possible that all these pursuits in life, whether a husband, food, life carrier etc. all carry a little bit of the desire for the infinite? That would explain why they never fulfil our expectations and why we would not have to do them all to fill. If we are drawing from an infinite source already, then we can engage with these finite things truly.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

An answer

I think I almost went crazy last night trying to understand what direction my life was supposed to be taking. I crawled into bed at 8 because I was to tired to cope with staying up another hour. Then God "spoke".

I have always disliked that expression because it did not match up with my experience of "reality". God does not "speak", at least not in a voice like a human (unles Christ's I suppose.) But there seems to be something in my mind that I have not yet explored about talking about God in symbol, or image. In fact that all that we call "reality" is real, but it is all symbol. Somehow this is linked to the way we talk about God or percieve him. Such as when we say "he speaks"--I do not mean I could hear his voice, but I do know that his thoughts came to me.

I was telling him how confused I was and how insecure. I no longer knew what he wanted me to do, and could he please help me figure it out? The reply I got was the idea of a child. A child who does not control their life, but leaves it to her parents and finds good and pleasure in everything they give her. I never planed to go to the cabins, or to go to France, or to eat everyday, or be dressed or have all the little toys I was given. But they came.

The future for me at this moment makes my brain split with all my passions and ideas. I could even think of more things that I want to do. But here is what I have been told. "Don't seek those thing, but seek first My Kingdom and righteousness". And what is that but to love? There have been things that I will never be able to predict, offers to jobs, friends, opportunities, which I will have to wait to be revealed. For the moment the only thing I should be doing to prepare for my future is to love, engage and learn until further notice. He knows my heart (he should ... he created it) and he is the one to sustain it. :)

The Future...

I really don’t know anymore “What God has called me to do”. This evening I decided to commit to writing all my dreams of my future that I have seriously (and am still seriously) thought about. The easiest way I thought would be to do it by geographical location.

Costa Rica

Have a little cottage in San Isidro de Heredia in the mountains. This would be a retreat center especially for dancers but also for any who need a rest to think and practice their art in a non stress filled environment. A place for inspiration. This is where I would have my wooden floor and vaulted roof filled with windows looking over the vally and sunset.

I would also like to inherit the house in Turucares and restore the barn for a horse and the … structure above it, for an art studio. I would plant gardens (such lovely ones for sitting and thinking in) and catalog all the bugs that I once began to do. I would own a horse and teach English in town. I would also open this house to anyone in need and teach and talk about my faith and love people.

Another good thing would be to live on the beach a bit and try to wrap my mind around the beach culture which seems to be a universal phenomenon


United States

I would like to live near my parents and learn all the things that I have in the past been to impatient to learn. These are computer programming, markets, art (of all types) and music. I would also be able to talk to them about all the little ideas and questions I continually have. They are never caught off guard and advise me to quite thinking about such random things.

I would like to live in Portland Oregon for a few years simply because it is the City of Roses.

I also have an interest in my roots. Maybe it makes me feel a bit more secure to know that I have them. I was thinking that a delightful way to trace back my heritage would be to walk, ride or drive through the states starting from AZ (or wherever.. CA?) and re trace the steps back to Europe.

Canada

I would like to become a Canadian citizen and live and work in Manitoba with all my friends. I would probably teach English, dance and continue part time studies in all the things I am interested in. I would at the same time be involved in out reach to the aboriginals and learn about their culture.

I would like to get married and move to BC. There I would build with my husband from the land a house (have not gotten as far as the blue prints, but I definitely have ideas) and raise five beautiful children and teach them and run a community school based on Charlotte Mason’s philosophy of Education.

England

I would like to go to L’Abri when I am 30 and teach, lecture, tutor and live there for the rest of my short life. I would help with the gardens, meet lots of people, read, write and talk with everyone.

I would also not mind studying a bit at Cambridge.

Wales

I would like to study the middle ages wherever it was that Ian Barrs was taking his degree from. Something like the oldest school in Britten. I would then join a re-enactment group and learn the ancient arts of sword fighting, cooking, riding, shooting and living in general. Not to mention complete my studies in Welsh, Latin, Anglo Saxon, and why not Breton as well?

Scotland

Where all these dreams seems to find their inspiration… The dearest to my heart is to go to Scotland and marry my Highlander who hikes in a kilt, never shaves, speaks gaelic, love MacDonald and has a castle or croft where we raise sheep and have children.

I also am still drawn to the idea of being a nun in the highlands. Never mind that I already tried it. The desire remains.

Russia

I am fascinated with this culture. I would spend at least five to ten years here and leanr their history, language, and read ancient texts and discover secrets. I would spend my time practically helping out socially wherever I was and all the time be loving the people and learning to be loved.

Mongolia

I am very much drawn to the idea of joining a Mongolian hoard and living in a tent and being an anthropologist (who is also a Christian) and reaching people who have never heard about Agape and who would like to teach me about their language, history and customs.

China

This language intrigues me and I would like to spend some time learning it and stay in teir country for a bit. I would also like to appreciate the mindset more and learn about their philosophy, history and traditions and hope to bring some light and love to them.

I would also work with the underground church and smuggle people out. But it seems that this would be better in somewhere like North Korea.

Middle East (esp. Egypt)

My age old, seems my first, desire would be to be an archaeologist here. Not only that, but in the same spirit of Indiana Jones, also a Christian who is defending ancient history or something…

I would also go with Kim and learn Arabic and work to spread light to those who are seeking Christ. I know many have dreams and they are converted this way, and I would love to help them know more about this man in their dreams.

Africa

It is here that I would spend my energy as a worker in orphanages. There are so many children here who are the victims of aids, and I want to get my hands dirty in stead of just sending money. I could teach English, sew clothes, learn the dances, but most of all hold and love on these children.

Various

I am finding that I am very much drawn to the idea of spending my life in contemplation, and the place which is centered around that is the Benedictine monastery. I would love to structure my life around prayer, lecto divina, practical work and contemplation.

I would also like to teach dance and come up with a show which proclaims the reality of beauty, goodness and truth. This would be through music, dance poetry and visual aides.

I would like to be a school teacher in two contexts. One is to inner city children whose homes are not known for their safety, comfort and love. I would love to give them a glimpse in their system of monotonous knowledge and dryness. The other is to be a teacher to missionary children whose parents can’t seem to get it into their head that their children are just as important as the unreached.

Inter-Cultural fever

This past weekend Kim came over. I love her to pieces. She has been asking the same questions that I have over the summer. I am amazed at how God has directed us on similar ground while we were apart. Perhaps it was his intent that we should be so in order that we could better discover the nature of our desires. Or something...

Anyway, she has left and is presumably going to Church and talking to people and helping out at her house and all the normal stuff her life is filled with. I on the other hand am house sitting and doing various things that are not in my normal schedule. Like biking to St. Pierre and reading books about the middle east outside.

I have just picked up a book called “Walking Through the Bible”. boughtit in Costa Rica because it was about the bible and it looked cool. A man wants to make the bible stories more real so he decides to walk through the land and places where the stories took place.

All the sudden, with Kim especially talking about the middle east and their culture all the time, and this book, I am reminded of my old passion to explore that part of the world. It is not a longing like Scotland, but it is a longing none the less. It is a longing for adventure and discovery. To be an archaeologist and uncoveburieded civilization. Or to be a missionary to the unreached nomads who no one else want tsacrificece time and energy (and perhaps life). I had forgotten these desires were in me, and now all the sudden they come up again.


All I have to say is that if there is any apologetic to the idea that we were not supposed to taste death the best argument I can think of is all my passionate desires to live and do so much which is impossible for the short time we have on this earth. I might list them one day. But for now, I am just going to thank God for the Now and pay as much attention to it as possible in hopes that I will learn how to love people here and thus love people anywhere. It may be that I am not actually going to marry and settle anywhere for a lifetime. Am I prepared to take whatever God throws at me? I like to think so. Perhaps Providence is his Trainingroundud where I learn what in life is of value and what is right tpersueue. After that?

I am going to stop asking that question expecting a full answer, and I am going to leave that up to God. I am getting excited. It is just possible that my creator knows my heart a bit better than I do. I think he likes me to dream and tell him about my aspirations and desires, but I am thinking that the moment I begin to tell Him what he should do, then he gets sad because I am messing up his surprise.Maybebe that is part of the tragedy of control: it is like trying to find out where mom hides the presents for Christmas. As clever as you think you are, it sucks the anticipation from Christmas Morning.

A small little post

Well it is not that my thoughts have been idle during this time. Rather I have just been too occupied with them. I have to post about last weekend when I went camping with girls, and about the new meaning to being a phisical being. And also the fact that Kim is back (!) and she is comming here tonight... But for now this is just a post to remember what it feels like to write on my blog...
The above picture is one I took Tuesday becasue I liked the way the lines and colour worked. The one below is last nights sun set. I thought it looked like colours from a painting.