An answer

I think I almost went crazy last night trying to understand what direction my life was supposed to be taking. I crawled into bed at 8 because I was to tired to cope with staying up another hour. Then God "spoke".

I have always disliked that expression because it did not match up with my experience of "reality". God does not "speak", at least not in a voice like a human (unles Christ's I suppose.) But there seems to be something in my mind that I have not yet explored about talking about God in symbol, or image. In fact that all that we call "reality" is real, but it is all symbol. Somehow this is linked to the way we talk about God or percieve him. Such as when we say "he speaks"--I do not mean I could hear his voice, but I do know that his thoughts came to me.

I was telling him how confused I was and how insecure. I no longer knew what he wanted me to do, and could he please help me figure it out? The reply I got was the idea of a child. A child who does not control their life, but leaves it to her parents and finds good and pleasure in everything they give her. I never planed to go to the cabins, or to go to France, or to eat everyday, or be dressed or have all the little toys I was given. But they came.

The future for me at this moment makes my brain split with all my passions and ideas. I could even think of more things that I want to do. But here is what I have been told. "Don't seek those thing, but seek first My Kingdom and righteousness". And what is that but to love? There have been things that I will never be able to predict, offers to jobs, friends, opportunities, which I will have to wait to be revealed. For the moment the only thing I should be doing to prepare for my future is to love, engage and learn until further notice. He knows my heart (he should ... he created it) and he is the one to sustain it. :)