Sabbath

venite ad me omnes qui laboratis et onerati
estis et ego reficiam vos

I just realized that it is not sleep that I need. I always equated being tired with lack of sleep, and indeed, it is a good association. However, I am not sleepy, but very tired. With what? I guess the meaning of “rest” might be more fully explored now that I will be able to relate to it.

I am tired of school, but still love it. I am tired of peole, but not frusterated with them. I am tired of sleeping even.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I
will give you rest.

The Gospel of being a Subject

Today I was able to articulate what I have been mulling over for sometime. I have been wondering about my big need, or as Tiglath often puts it “my eternal void”.

Tiglath is able to put subtleties into extremes… I am not sure she has the ability to do tithe opposite way though.

There is a rather desperate state in all of us. I hold that it is the effect of sin in us: death which is separation from God.

Then we are not just victims of one person’s sin, but we are active in participating, therefore guilty, and in desperate need. We feel it everywhere, but it takes many faces, depending on the person. Whatever fills that constant need of something, often a materialist idea or food.

Tiglath understands this to be filled with her zipper she can never find.

Anyway, for me it is boys. But I am not comfortable with this because it means that I am easily manipulated and also that the most significant thing in life is when a boy likes you. This goes contrary to my worldview, and also I am not sure that people like the feeling of being used. This is my whole point. When I have boys in this spot it makes them an object to fill something.

But what is supposed to fill that?

Ah, and then I finally asked a question that has needed to be asked for sometime now. Do I treat God as an object to fill some great need? It seems if I do I can justify this, saying that it is God who fills this need, along with Augustine:

“Our hearts are restless till they find you.”

But I am pretty sure that this not right (treating God as an object, not Augustine’s quote.) I think so because truth is consistent, and if we are not to treat people like object, how could we be allowed to treat God, who is a personal being, like one?

I thought about this while dancing this afternoon and came to understand that God’s love, which is what we desperately need, is freely given in Christ.

Here is my answer to the question so far:

To treat God as an object is to have a faith of works. It is a love that is not personal but legal and easy to be controlled. We have a great need, and therefore come to God in our need, but we can not do anything because his love is given. To treat God as a subject is to accept the love he has freely given to us. To receive his Grace.

Imitation

Where does God end and man begin?

Researching for a paper on free will vs. determinism I have lots of little questions that have come up. Little things that do not seem to add up and I am trying to understand where, if any, the boundaries of God’s sovereignty are and what that implies to the idea of freedom.

What is freedom anyway?
(do any of my readers—and I know you exist—have any insights to what freedom is? )

Now I am wondering what all this means with the idea of living through Christ. A few ideas in my head at the moment

1 being made in God’s Image

2 imitating Christ

3 the existence of acting (as in plays, Shakespeare etc)

4 God’s power in us (sovereignty)

Add them all together, like me, and it seems that part of the nature of being a Christian is to imitate, almost like acting the character of Christ. You act in full knowledge that it is not you, but in hopes that eventually you will not be able to distinguish yourself from Christ. You are acting just as an actor would in a play. But also God is acting, because he is not a passive abstraction like a character from a play, but a personal live being.

I wonder if this is not what it is like to have Christ dwelling in oneself, but I do not think I will know until I understand better the dance between “freedom” and sovereignty.

Why do you go to Church?

It is not because of the sermon, nor for the music, or even aesthetics which enable you to worship more or less. You go to church for the same reason you do not talk to a forest about life’s meaning and value. Or, you go to church for the same reason that you talk to another person, or make a commitment to another person with witnesses: there is a greater depth to the commitment.

The more we confess in public the more we are formed to that confession. Therefore it is very necessary that the confession be true, so that we do not conform ourselves to the wrong ideas. If no one had heard you speak there is no accountability. I am not convinced that “group mentality” is always a bad thing. It might be how humans are made to be, and given the fall of course it can be distorted. However, it might be a far worse thing to think that we are supposed to be “free” from group mentality and be “individuals”. This sounds more like the desire to be God.

The joy of following God

Last night I went to a Worship night in Winnipeg. One of the songs that was sung went something like, “I give you my hands..... I give you my feet....” And as I sang, wondering what that meant, all the sudden I thought of nail pierced hands and feet. I realized that giving myself to God did not mean a lovely joy ride but a crucifixion.

It is not like I have not heard or thought of it before. Rather, I think last night the worship began to be more real than just the camp songs that one sings--Crucifixion is a reality.

Mrning Person?

Every morning certain thoughts come into my head, some help the process of getting me out of bed while others seem to make me curl up more tightly and feel that I need that extra warmth and 1/2 hour of sleep.

Here is the wake up list that pulls me out of bed:

Deadlines in school
Breakfast
Need to prepare self for public


But it is Sunday and I have decided that I am not going to church so none of these are applicable. Except breakfast, but I have an orange sitting on my bed...

Then occurred to me that God is supposed to wake us up. The thought of another day with serving God. It does not bring rapture to my mind. I have tried to wake up and immediately do liturgy, but this morning I think I understood what was lacking.

I think my interaction with God might be comparable to prewritten letters, or mass emails. You only scan for the information that might have something to do with you or something you need to know. But meaningful communication is personal, and the best, we all know, is hand written.

That is supposed to wake one up in the morning. The idea of personal communication from the Creator. Sort of the excitement and joy of waking up to a free summer day, or Christmas, or a meeting with someone who you really want to see. Or perhaps even waking up knowing that you have a very hard day in front of you.

What does not wake one up is meaningless form, like irrelevant prayer (unless one gets some feeling of self righteousness from it). Nor does a monotanus task do a good job to pull one from bed. But, Hey, God is not monotanous, irrelevenat and meaningless. we may think he is by worshiping and giving meaning to other things like food, money or the person next to us in our beds, but in the reality beyond our limited scope we should be saying with Paul

I count all things loss in comparison to the excelency of the knowledge of Christ. (found in Philipains 3)

Be still and know

Apparently C.S. Lewis only had a few books. He must have used a very good library or something. Having things in life sort of ties one down to a place. I remember wanting to have a “base” in some cave in Scotland. A resource base. But to have very little on me so as to be free to travel and do things.




I hate going to bed and waking up in a messy room. I have been doing so for the past while. “Not enough time”. Really I just do not value dorm. I am never there, and have to desire to be. Life is found outside the dorm. I am still trying to understand why this is. Do I really want a home? I think I am restless right now.

Restless for what?

“our hearts are restless till they find thee” says Mr. Augustine.

To stay at home, or to be still, is to become aware of either God or the lack thereof. I think I sense the later, and thus my day is filled with pleasant distractions from the reality of God, or his absence in my life.

Dance?

I woke up this morning and my first thought was “I am not a servant”. I will not deny that I do not like to work in the kitchen. It is not odious, but I think I do not like that I have to go to work. That is why I am not a servant: I am not yet able to bypass my own discomfort and work. I am not even a servant to myself.

But about these jobs. I have been teaching English, and it is getting much better, by the way. However, I do not love to teach the subject. While I love the theory of how to teach English is just a means to engage in some type of teaching. I think some people love to teach the subject English.

What is the significance of that? Not much, except that I sat next to an old professor here who had taught drama. It made me think about the arts again. Dance in particular. To teach dance.

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I could do anything anywhere. One can not make a value judgment as a Christian of where a better place to live would be or what a better job to do is. I think that is perhaps why we need God’s will.

Here is my little creeping thought. While English is a lovely thing to teach, and perhaps it will help me make a salary, I might consider teaching something that is a gift and that I am passionate about and probably will be all my life.




Many practical things follow. But for now, before asking those questions, I should consider just the ideological possibility.