An end and a beginning

It is Friday. Next week is the last of summer work and then Monday starts the school year. Today for the first time since being home at the Bodega in Costa Rica I sat alone watching the rain with my cats. In the distance there was Celtic music and outside there was thunder and hail. I then remembered the self I had left behind in search of the new self. And the new and the old together met once more today. It is the end of the hunt for home and the union of the old leaving and the present looking to make a new home. I am a new person not without the old, but more, much more, than the old. Perhaps that is what recreation is: it is not the annihilation but the creation with all that once was, becoming now this and more. I no longer look for "home" because I am home. Not I am here, which is home, but my being, there and here, is home to me. Where I am, where I percieve that rest, there it appears. Longing then perhaps is the knowing of that which is, yet which we have not the capacity to see. Perhaps Helen Keller without language wasted with longing, apart from everything until language gave it to her. I was ever home, yet never knowing. I am home in Scotland, in Costa Rica, in Manitoba. We are home in this world, but this world is not home.

Order and chaos

I have just watched fear and loathing in Las Vegas. My psyche is grossly overwhelmed with the sense of profanity. I suppose haveing been this summer on a verge of morals in Otterburne that I feel acutely the tension. Order and chaos. I need order. All humans need order. We create it, then we forget and it creates us. Until we wake under its stifling presence.
Perhaps what I think is that I have reached an anomic state personally, intellectually, but that when I see it represented it is horror. I think now I understand the limits of the ideal. What can work out in the mind, what can be seen ahead, must yet fall under the present context and situation.
In gymnastics it is very simple. While the present flexibility and strength do not determine the vision of future ability, that ability will only come to being slowly, and present character and engagement determens its existence.