Love... ?

NOTHING is so beautiful as spring—
  When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush;
  Thrush’s eggs look little low heavens, and thrush
Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring
The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing;

“Spring” Hopkins



Nothing is so beautiful as Spring.. Is anything so wonderful as falling in love? We are made for love by the God who is love. It is the goal of creation.

I was surprised at myself asking this as I walked home the other night. And then I realised that I never really think about being in love unless I am falling in love. I am not falling in love, so I thought I would think about it before I do. After all, I will be allowed to date shortly.


It is so easy to be pessimistic about love especially when there are lots of freshmen couples who are clueless to what is infatuation vs true love... One can begin to doubt whether “True Love” is only another Utopia. (but then who does know what it means to love someone until we are on the other side of the door?)

There is something very wonderful about those first time when you begin to realise that you are in love and when that love is returned. “Nothing is so beautiful as Spring” That is the spring of relationships. It is happening all over the place, and our culture celebrates it. It is something to be celebrated, but perhaps we have tried to make relationships always spring and never grow into summer, fall and winter. I hope that I can be in love with my husband all married life, but I also hope that I will not become a glutton and fear winter. Without winter in Manitoba I would never have learned to appreciate the colour and smell of the fresh earth. It is very sad if our culture as a whole dreads the winter of love because it does not allow our experience to grow and become.

But this is not a lament. I simply want to say that there is something beautiful in falling in love. And even if it means more disappointment and more scars on my heart I look forward to it, and I love to see it.

NOTHING is so beautiful as spring—
  When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush;
  Thrush’s eggs look little low heavens, and thrush
Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring
The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing;
The glassy peartree leaves and blooms, they brush
  The descending blue; that blue is all in a rush
With richness; the racing lambs too have fair their fling.

What is all this juice and all this joy?
  A strain of the earth’s sweet being in the beginning        
In Eden garden.—Have, get, before it cloy,
  Before it cloud, Christ, lord, and sour with sinning,
Innocent mind and Mayday in girl and boy,
  Most, O maid’s child, thy choice and worthy the winning

Sunday Evening with Kim

I spent Sunday evening with Kim. It is perhaps the closest I have ever felt to her. Kim was talking about how she was frustrated with being here and only learning theory while there is a constant pull to action in the world.

That morning while I was riding home on the bus from Church, which was very remarkable in itself, I began to think about my love for Kim. I felt a bit ridiculous, but I began to wonder what love made Ruth turn to Naomi and say '“Where you go I will go. Your God will be my God and your people my people."” I wondered if it were only for daughters in law to say that because there is a question on whether I can say this to Kim. I let the thought go unanswered and thought the majority of people, and even myself, would think me tragic not having a life of my own.

While she was talking about how she longs for Uzbekistan shslippeded in a little "“you could come with me"” half joke half real. I took up the later and began to explain my thought on the bus. To my great delight she was just as excited as I was at the idea. Who knows where it will take us. But it exists. After this we went for a walk.

One of the clearest memories was the walk we went on. Down the bridal path acrossross the river. We talked about this and that until we came back to Prov. Not quite ready to go back we sat on "“the hill"” which is a lovely little sitting spot which overlooks the not-so-eloquent Rat River”. There we sat and watched the stars. I remember lying down and she began to chant these words:

Turn your ear
to heaven
and hear
the noise inside

The sound of angels and

The sound of angels songs and

all this for a king

we could join and sing
all to Christ the King..

how constant how divine:
This song of ours will rise...

The words fit so well. I know she did not feel that her voice was the most beautiful, but at that moment it was jusbecause becuase it fitted exactly the time and place. Â"All this for a King..."

It is still an odd thought for me. I do not fear now being co-dependeexistedam exicted to suspect that our friendship has some potential to go somewhere that I have hearabouthing aobut. It makes one wonder at the nature of friendship. I love Kim so much and am devoted to so many of the same goals.

The next day in “Men Women and Society the class was on friendship. I was surprised because it fit so well with what I had just been thinking about. The idea that I am wondering about is how it is possible that friendship is the goal of human intimacy as opposed to the assumption that marriage is. And one of the big challenges that I face in our friendship is the stigma of being homosexual. What is homosexuality? Perhaps it is the assumption that all love is best expressed in Eros.

Carl Jung and a messy desk

My desk might be very messy, but I have never felt more at peace with myself. ...I do not associate my identity with the state of my room, but sometimes walking into a messy room makes one uneasy. On thursday Kim and I had an hour (from skiping chapel...) before the last class. I was planning on spending this precious window running around and doing little tasks that I had no time to do in the day, but instead found myself sitting with her on the floor of her room and comtemplating the meaning of life.

For some reason this thurned to personality tests. She proposed we spend the last 20 minutes figuring out what personality I had. I had just convinced myself that personality doesn't actually exist because it is all socialized. But what the hell, I take the test.

all I can say is: ... I am not a freak!!!!!!!

As you, dear reader, ponder this, I will go and prepare to dance.

PS many beneficail effects come when one gains an identity. That is essentially what has happened. I am no longer a pathless vagabond wandering in search of self.

PPS for those who care, I am an INFJ

Thoughts at 9:47

I am sitting in my room listening to Gladiator and thinking about Costa Rica. I miss the land and the people. It reminds me of that one scottish song I used to sing:

Soon shall I see thy bright shores in the sunlight
Heather on hills and the rising of morn
THe Golden gray sea mist rose east in the Morning
To run the wild hills of the Cullins of Rum

I never thought I would feel like this about Costa Rica but there you go.

Other than these feelings, I am thinking about the homework that (always) needs to get done, this past weekend (it was thanksgiving here) and the soccer game comming up this evening. I wonder if I will play?

I am writting all this just to make myself write for non academic purposes. I forget that I love to write and communicate when I am forced to do so all the time.

There are a few more things on my mind. The one that gets the most attention is: what should I be doing with my life? I have several ideas. And, some good news, it no longer matteres who I marry. I have made up my mind that I need to first know what I am called to do before I know who I want to marry. It is all nice to fall in love, but what If I fell in love with someone who wanted to be an [american] foot ball player? And I wanted to open an orphnage? Or be a relief worker? Or a dancer? Anyway, so I am figuring some stuff out, and slowly I am fiding that i do not have to marry a Highlander. I thinik I just wanted him to complete me to who I have always wanted to be. Now I understand that I am already who I want to be and do not need anyone to complete me.


But that is too deep now. So back to the periphial. I hope you are all amused by my spelling.

Hello Costa Rica. (say hello to the land for me those of you who have a chance)

with love

The small black cat.

ps. the above picture is from the MK retreat. We wanted to get to an island so we waded accross the water. goot times

MK Retreat

This past weekend was the MK retreat. Perhaps there will be more photos. I am just afraid that i have forgotten what it was like to blog so I thought I would try again. It is not to hard. This is me by some water. Joey too the picture.