Saturday, March 24, 2007

I believe

I believe in the castle in the air.
I believe in the creation of substance ex-nihilo
Founded on elusive love
Grace takes shape on a cloud foundation
untouched by the underworld
of muck, slime and poison

I act towards
and receive
love unfounded on rational, legal ground
I interpret self and other
In light of a 2000 year old myth of a man
his life and action and blood

I believe in the holy catholic church
The incarnation of God that can be
touched, felt, heard, seen smelled.

I choose to interpret and act towards
phenomena as though it is created
personal: infinite thought finite medium.

I love for faith and hope
Experience lacking
and without vision of that eternal morning
But believing: thought unisolated from action
Believing and acting and thus creating

ex-nihilo: a castle in the clouds
A room within this palace

I choose to wonder and not know
Science now sitting, waiting, watching
I choose to see by dreaming

I believe that there is more than I know
I believe that the shadows we project
of self and take of other
are constructs of potential,
unfinished in their making

I believe in more than g-o-d
: all powerful, all present, all love unchanging
Infinite who sees, who laughs, who listens

I believe in dark nights and tears
and mud and muck and poison.
And the grave before the life everlasting

And if I die before I wake
If in this life I never taste
or see the Lord is Good
If I never hear the final toll
of bells ringing
I pray the Lord my Soul to take:
I act and interpret, I believe
it is real in consequence

Thursday, March 22, 2007

After the last post I feel that my next one should follow in sequence either going further down or cracking the night with hope. I have hope, but it is a Puddleglumish hope. Even if the green lady is right and I have made up everything I would rather believe in it than in the underworld. And in the end I wonder if that will not be my door out of this darkness. But for now I continue on to even find that one because I don’t think I have actually found it yet.

So those are the continuation of my thoughts from the last post. Right now it is the second night into performance. Actually, that is only one thing that is happening right now and I cant write about everything else.

Perhaps the most important thing is that I saw the geese flying North this afternoon. But then Winter is trying to deny that Spring has come and it is snowing pretty hard again. Poor geese. They are the front line of Spring and then follows the sun and the floods.

I had a line of poetry in my head. It had something to do with everlasting days and it was driving me nuts because somehow I knew it would help put words to my feelings that I have such a hard time describing. So I went to to the poetry section in the library and began to think. It helps to think in the section and look at the tittles a bit and space off a bit. I pulled out Hopkins, (after looking for his name for a long time). But then I remembered that it belonged to Donne. I found it and it did help after all.

“Salute the last and everlasting day”

It is the last line of a series of poems…. Hm. Instead of explaining them I will just let the words and feelings themselves affect the reader. I will start where I started today, and attach the rest at the end.

LA CORONA.

Resurrection

Moist, with one drop of thy blood, my dry soule
Shall (though she now be in extreme degree
Too stony hard, and yet too fleshly) be
Freed by that drop, from being starved, hard, or foul,
And life, by this death abled, shall control
Death, whom thy death slew; nor shall to me
Fear of first or last death, bring misery,
If in thy little book my name thou enroll,
Flesh in that long sleep is not putrified,
But made that there, of which, and for which 'twas;
Nor can by other means be glorified.
May then sins sleep, and deaths soon from me pass,
That waked from both, I again risen may
Salute the last, and everlasting day.


Ascension

Salute the last, and everlasting day,
Joy at the uprising of this Sunne, and Sonne,
Ye whose just tears, or tribulation
Have purely washed, or burnt your drossy clay;
Behold the Highest, parting hence away,
Lightens the dark clouds, which he treads upon,
Nor doth he by ascending, show alone,
But first he, and he first enters the way.
O strong Ram which hast battered heaven for me,
Mild lamb, which with thy blood, hast marked the path;
Bright Torch, which shin'st, that I the way may see,
Oh, with thy own blood quench thy own just wrath.
And if the holy Spirit, my Muse did raise,
Deign at my hands this crown of prayer and praise.


I
Deign at my hands this crown of prayer and praise,
Weav'd in my low devout melancholy,
Thou which of good, hast, yea art treasury,
All changing unchanged Ancient of days,
But do not, with a vile crown of frail bays,
Reward my muse's white sincerity,
But what thy thorny crown gained, that give me,
A crown of Glory, which doth flower always;
The ends crown our works, but thou crown'st our ends,
For at our end begins our endlesse rest,
The first last end, now zealously possest,
With a strong sober thirst, my soul attends.
'Tis time that heart and voice be lifted high,
Salvation to all that will is nigh.

Annunciation

Salvation to all that will is nigh,
That All, which always is All everywhere,
Which cannot sin, and yet all sins must bear,
Which cannot die, yet cannot choose but die,
Loe, faithful Virgin, yields himself to lie
In prison, in thy womb; and though he there
Can take no sin, nor thou give, yet he'will wear
Taken from thence, flesh, which death's force may try.
Ere by the spheres time was created, thou
Wast in his mind, who is thy Son, and Brother,
Whom thou conceiv'st, conceiv'd; yea thou art now
Thy maker's maker, and thy Father's mother,
Thou hast light in dark; and shutst in little room,
Immensity cloistered in thy dear womb.

Nativity

Immensity cloistered in thy dear womb,
Now leaves his welbelov'd imprisonment,
There he hath made himself to his intent
Weak enough, now into our world to come;
But Oh, for thee, for him, hath th'Inne no roome?
Yet lay him in this stall, and from the Orient,
Stars, and wisemen will travel to prevent
Th'effect of Herod's jealous general doom;
Seest thou, my Soul, with thy faith's eyes, how he
Which fills all place, yet none holds him, doth lie?
Was not his pity towards thee wondrous high,
That would have need to be pitied by thee?
Kiss him, and with him into Egypt goe,
With his kind mother, who partakes thy woe.

Temple

With his kind mother, who partakes thy woe,
Joseph turn back; see where your child doth sit,
Blowing, yea blowing out those sparks of wit,
Which himself on the Doctors did bestow;
The Word but lately could not speake, and loe
It suddenly speaks wonders, whence comes it,
That all which was, and all which should be writ,
A shallow seeming child, should deeply know?
His Godhead was not soul to his manhood,
Nor had time mellow'd him to this ripenesse,
But as for one which hath a long task, 'tis good,
With the Sunne to begin his businesse,
He in His age's morning thus began
By miracles exceeding power of man.

Crucifying

By miracles exceeding power of man,
He faith in some, envy in some begat,
For, what weake spirits admire, ambitious hate:
In both affections many to him ran,
But Oh! the worst are most, they will and can,
Alas, and do, unto the immaculate,
Whose creature Fate is, now prescribe a Fate,
Measuring selfe-life's infinity to a span,
Nay to an inch. Loe, where condemned he
Bears his own cross, with pain, yet by and by
When it bears him, he must bear more and die;
Now thou art lifted up, draw me to thee,
And at thy death giving such liberal dole,
Moist, with one drop of thy blood, my dry soule.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

where I am

I remember feeling like this. I was those first few months in Costa Rica. Everyday was a dark one. A foreign culture, absence of security of the familiar, no friends who you could trust to write and keep up with you (what can you expect? You have disappeared into a black hole.), everyday waking up to get on a bus to a place where you do not want to go, and all of this with the constant feeling of being apart from the one place you want to go: Scotland.

No, it has not disappeared. I give myself hope by saying that if Scotland is finite there will be an end to it. But I have never found that end, and it is possible that I will never find it because it is a subjective icon of the infinite. I don’t know if such things exist, but that is the only thing that seems to fit.

I am fighting for my life, though right now I am more like Sir Andrew, curling up in a corner to “bleed a while”:

“Fight on my men” sir Andrew says,
“A little I’m hurt, but yet not slain,
I’ll but lie and bleed a while,
And then I’ll rise and fight again.”

It is like all life has been dried up and what is left is being squeezed out in assignments. Every task is a mountain, and there is no strength, no motivation, not even a reason, to climb up. I am a hollow person doing hollow things. There is nothing to say but “I don’t know”. There is nothing to feel but the common sensations that remain only on that level. Those things which once had dimension, wind, sky, music, dance are vacant now. I can imagine their fullness, and I remember it, but it does not touch me. I eat because I breath, and it is good that I am in a habit of eating, or it might be a chore. Last night I found for the first time in a horrible long time that I could not muster up a smile to the person on the road. I am at my end.

But then I am surrounded with people here, and those who respect me and think that I am on some profound journey to light, but I can see no light, and what if I never reached it? Would it make the journey any less? Would they still support my quest? What if it turns out that there is nothing more to be discovered than that I am just a sloth, poor writer, lousy academic and hitherto a brilliant actress?

Spring is here, but winter has taken my life so that it no longer matters. I am that prisoner who died five minutes before the allies opened the gates. I am the Lady of Shalott who died before reaching Camelot.