When I grow up...

Finally I think I have come to a solid vision for the future. For the next two years... for this week...

Not really (I mean the above indecision).

Actually, while it might seem like a very quick self knowledge, it has been brewing for many years, and different theories have been tested, always in the end having to go back to the lab (or my room) and start over working out the contradictions revised from incongruent theory and practice.

If you don't have time to read through the next few paragraphs of thought, here is the point: I am going to Scotland to study landscaping and gardening. A "career" that will afford me time to pursue a deep internal life as well as a practical life with my hands in the ground and my mind in clear air.

The last time I sat in tears in my professor's office I was given a very helpful piece of advice. Forget what you are good at, or what you want to do, go for what you do best that is sorely missing people. This is a very good piece of advice for these reasons:

No pressure on having to find one thing that you are the best
(this involves pretending that there is one thing that interest you more than all the others. It is like trying to choose of all the great guys you know which one you would marry)

In the end you do not choose. It is up to the gap.
(or rather your perception of the gap, and confidence that you can fill it. Which, in the end, is better than having to play favorites. Does this mean that arranged marriage is better? I must remind my reader that eventually logic fails)

So I have been giving thought to gaps.
I have been giving thought to what does not exist?
And what talents I might poses to help.

Here are some gaps I perceive:

There are far too many paved roads: we need some more dirt roads to slow people down.

There are not enough leather bound books

There is too much time, so people are abusing it

There are not enough gray haired models



Here are some of my core talents

I think

I like people

I don't like 9-5 jobs

I like driving, but I don't like its monopoly on middle class Western civilians.

I am not a capitalist


If you read these things carefully, I am sure you will reach the same conclusion I have. I should:

Finish school
Go to Scotland
Study Landscape management and gardening
And pursue a life as a gardener and deep thinker.

Obviously, I am not supposed to add to the already escalating numbers of time abusive, capitalistic 9-5 middle class rush. I would make too much money and be largely unhappy.

My time at the cabin was lovely. (This does tie into what I was saying). I learned something very significant about myself. I need to be outside, near mountains, and have lots of time to exist. I do not want a life full of schedules, meetings and florescent lights. Time to time I have thought I am perfect material for a nun. But I have tired that. no.

I am convinced (intuition rather than apodictic certainty) that one can effect macro level change in society without paper work and international meetings. These things no doubt are necessary, but I am relieved to say that there is no gap here. Many want to study international policy and politics. So do I, but I also want to marry George MacDonald, but he is taken. (and dead) (or alive?)

I need less time than the average person. Where many use it up not knowing what else to do with it, I sit for hours thinking about what the clouds in the sky mean, knowing that my next appointment is two weeks in advance. This would drive some people mad, I realize, and more power to them. At the cabin, I have come to accept that I can only be one person. And that is not someone who works well under tight schedules.

I think there is a huge need for quietness. I am going to be quiet, and fill in a box with space rather than stuff.

I plan to achieve this not by sitting in front of a tv and existing in a alternate and virtual reality, but by sticking my hands in the ground and not amassing lots of money. With the little I have I will buy books, and a small house. I will be a gardener and research sustainable development. In the mean time I will read Jung, Lewis, MacDonald, Merton, and Heschel. (To begin with).

All of this will be in Scotland. Need I say more? I don't know what else to say about that except to announce its existence.

My home is open to the public, the busy and the poor. Yes, that is my conscience wondering where I am going to work for social justice. There are two contributions. One is in actively practicing, researching and trying (not in that order necessarily) "sustainable development". This is my very logistical contribution. But I think primarily by merely existing as an alternative of living, a new paradigm, this provides a community with a model for change.

So until further notice, this is my future.