Doubt, Darkness and Dutch boys

I got to a point where I could not remember why it is so scary to doubt. I speak of the "“darkness" that I am in but I often do not feel it. Recently, however, I have come to link together my insecurities with people. It is when I see myself through the eyes of people that I face my deepest insecuritieses. I am no longer surprised at the fact that boys are often my catalystst to deep self analysis and maturing. Boys seem to be the archetypepe for love, security, home, and all longing.
It has also been interesting not to pray this past week. I have noticed that the times that I long to pray are the times when I feel that I can do nothing to control and have in the past called on God to control. But now I will not allow myself to call on help that I do not know, and I have been surprised at what a discipline it is. I wonder if I have ever really prayed or if all my prayers were an escape from facing honesty..

Why is honesty so dark? Why is it when I face my doubt it both it hurts and heals?

I asked Wietse if he was willing to be my friend if our relationship did not end in romance. What I did not know was that I was really exposing myself. As it turns out, he has never had any intention of a relationship, and any behavior that might have suggested so would have been a misinterpretation. There went all my hope, and there was my challenge to answer the question I thought I had given him. There is no future with him, and with the very hard cut line staring me in the face it exposes myself into my most extreem vulnerability and insecurity. Never: what if never anyone were to love me? I don't want to be a lone figure, however beautiful and honest, if it means being alone. Rejection suggests that I have no choice. So as I felt extreemly uncomfortable I began to see that I had to make a choice to look full face or turn away.

And there is the heart of the darkness I have decided to face. That is the fear of doubt that I had forgotten. It is the fear of being honest, and the fear of questioning. No turning to God to give me some anesthesiaia. I am here in the middle of the ocean and I might as well choose to swim back to safety or swim on deeper. I choose to go deeper and look at this darkness. I choose to be honest and to learn how to swim.

In retrospect no wonder that God has seemed so unreal. He was onlanesthesiaia from truth. What does it mean for me to be honest and face my darkness and for the Christian message to not be a "“crutch"”? Or is it a crutch? Does it forbid us from looking into reality because it blocks it out?