Self hate, Reformed Theology and Spiritual Reality

“We do not want to be beginners. But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners all our life!”

Merton


I am becomming aware on how miss informed my understanding of the nature of God’s feelings towards us has been. I blame this on my adherence to Reformed Theology, however it might be my misunderstanding of it. I was first alerted by reading that idea from Benner which said

People are convinced that it is sin that frist catches God’s attention. I think they are wrong--and I think the consequecnces of such a belief are enormous...The central feature of any spiritual response to such a God will be an effort to earn his approval.

c’est moi.

Benner suggests that we spend more time with God in meditation. And while that sounds good to my mind, my little emotions which desire the experience of God’s love, can only see the big concept of Mditation as being just another form of Abstraction.

But now I have the other piece of the puzzel after reading a bit of Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. Actually the quote is from Merton:

“The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him”

But then here is the thought which balances this very vulnerable presentation of ourself, (which I suggest little reformed me seems to miss a lot):

“God calls us to stop hiding and come openly to Him. God is the father who ran to his prodigal son when he came limping home. God weeps over us when shame and self-hatred immobilize us”

It is an entirely new thought that God calls us to confess our sins not so that it makes us feel ashamed and our truely disgusting state of being, though it does do that... Until we acctually look at his response to us. God calls us out of hiding becasue only then can something be done about our nakedness.

Apparently He is graceful, I wouldn’t know, but I intend to find out. I know in theory, but not in experience, and I am tired about writting on logical possiblities: I desire to write from experience if I am going to write about God’s love.

Is it just me or does everyone hit points in their walk with God which they feel like saying “I have not been Christian until this point!” I think I feel like that right now.

Here is the really cool thing about this book, Abba’s Child. Manning suggests that we have this shadow self (I am reminded of Adonias in Phantasties by MacDonald), it is an image which can not be honest because it fears abandonment. And this inability to be honest with self and God essentially cuts us off from ... well everything: God, others and self.

This hunger for Reality which I constantly complain about, how can God be real unless I be real?

I think the thing that is most exciting is that while it is impossible for me to be instantly honest at least it is not an abstraction which I need to go through to connect with God. Exposure of self is not abstract--it might be dreadful--but it touches every inch of my being. It is Aslan’s claws digging down into me so that I might be transformed.

He quotes a very cool verse which I had not read like that before:

The things which are done in secret are things that people are ashamed even to speak of; but anything exposed by the light will be illuminated

and anything illuminated turns into light.

Ephesians 5:12-14